new server

I got horny, nobody returned my calls, so I decided to play with the server.

Crashed and hung the system a few times, but fueled by haribo gummy bears and a four pack of red bull, managed to move the rateme site over.

DATY for Dummies

Dear Redbook,

I am tired of receiving bad DATY from clients, but do not want to 86 this dish from the menu, so I am posting a few simple guidelines I hope will encourage those of you who are lacking in intuitive skill to modify your techniques.

I'd like to begin by emphasizing that every woman is sexually unique. What feels good for one woman may be annoying as hell to another. The key to pleasing the woman you're with is communication. Ask her what she likes--slow or fast, soft or hard, you get the idea. Personally, I prefer hard, slow licks using a considerable amount of the tongue's surface area (in other words, I want you to use more than just the tiny tip of your tongue, which isn't capable of providing the kind of pressure that one's tongue can a bit further back.) The fast "flicking" action so many of you employ does absolutely nothing for me, although some women truly enjoy it. The only way to find out is to ask!

To properly provide a woman oral pleasure, you need to focus on the clitoris. Licking a woman's labia or tongue-fucking her will not give her an orgasm. The clitoris is located above the vaginal opening, nestled within the inner labia. You'll know it when you find it, as stimulating it will almost certainly produce a reaction from your partner.

Some women require direct stimulation of the clitoris to acheive orgasm, while others are too sensitive for direct clitoral contact and require a more generalized stimulation to the area immediately surrounding the clit. Here again communication is key--just ask her what she prefers. You may think it's not "sexy" or conducive to "the mood" to ask questions during the act, but giving bad head is much more of a moodbreaker as it is frustrating and annoying to your partner and can kill her desire and enthusiasm for the ensuing boudoir festivities. On the other hand, an attentive lover who is committed to pleasing is very sexy, and your partner will appreciate your desire to learn her body and your willingness to accept a little direction.

Many women have difficulty acheiving orgasm, and within this group there is a sizeable sub-group of women who can only acheive orgasm from DATY. Although the female orgasm is different from that of the male in many ways, it is similar to the male orgasm in that rhythm is key. In other words, once you set the pace, you need to stick with it if you want your partner to come. This is not to say that varying the rhythm a bit in a playful fashion is unacceptable--many people find a bit of teasing very sexy. When a woman is approaching orgasm, however, is not a good time to tease! If you start her up that mountain, you'd damn well better carry her over the summit--not doing so can not only ruin the sex for your partner but can also result in you getting bitch-slapped, particularly is your partner is Kymberleigh or Bettina. This may be your partner's one and only opportunity for orgasm for the day (or week, or month, etc.,) and stopping short can ruin the whole experience for her--in other words, it can throw off her groove and eliminate any chance of her acheiving orgasm within that session. So when you sense that she is about to come (breathing gets heavier, sighing/moaning/screaming gets louder, the tugging at your hair gets stronger, you get the picture,) maintain the speed and pressure of the stimulation you are providing at that moment. I know you all get excited at the prospect of making her come, and it is tempting to speed up the tonguing, but for Christ's sake resist that urge. Sometimes slow and steady wins the race.

You've made her come. Congratulations! Now what? Well, for starters, the moments immediately following orgasm are not the time to increase the pressure and speed of cunnilingus. Most women are extremely sensitive immediately following orgasm (just like most of you!) and can't handle gentle stimulation, much less being battered by your hummingbird tongue. Give her a little break! Once you are sure she has completed her orgasm (don't stop *too* soon or you'll have the interrupted-pleasure problem mentioned above,) leave her clit alone for a little while--give her some time to recover. This is another area in which women vary--some women can keep going almost immediately, some have a recovery window of several seconds to several minutes, and some will not be able to come again during this round in the sack. A little communication here will provide all the insight you'll need. It's a safe bet, however, that she will need a little time before she can handle clitoral stimulation again, so if you can't keep your tongue off of her, try exploring one of the other lovely and delicious areas her pussy has to offer until she's ready to proceed.

Once you've mastered these simple foundations of DATY, you can advance to more complicated variations, such as fingering her vaginally or anally (depending, again, on what she's into) while eating her out, experimenting with temperature (try sucking on some ice or taking a swig of hot tea or coffee before you go down,) or otherwise varying the sensation. The possibilities are endless for a creative couple, particularly once you've mastered the basics of technique and timing and once communication has been solidly established. And remember, this is supposed to be fun, so don't stress too much--just relax and pay attention to your partner's reactions and requests and you're both assured of a good time.

Happy dining!

SimoneDeBoudoir

Client Hygiene 101

Steps to obtaining a clean backside:
Step 1. Enter shower with a bar of soap and a wash cloth. I know men do not use wash cloths, but it is critical to obtain a clean backside.

Step 2. Once in shower, rub your wet wash cloth and bar soap together until the wash cloth is nice and soapy.

Step 3. Place the soapy wash cloth in your right hand and use your left hand to spread your butt checks.

Step 4. Rub the soapy wash cloth in a vertical motion back and forth over your anus all the way down to your scrotum. Use the same motion you would use when sanding a block of wood or waxing your car.

Step 5. If your backside is extremely hairy OR you are overweight, repeat steps 2, 3, and 4. If your backside is extremely hairy AND you are overweight, you will need to repeat steps 2, 3, and 4 three times. Note, rinse wash cloth between washings.

Step 6. The freshness test. Take your index finger and rub it along your backside, pressing against your crack and anus. Now place your index finger against the tip of your nose and inhale through your nostrils. If you still smell ass, then repeat steps 2, 3, and 4. But this time you will need to squat to gain better access to the smelly area. If you weigh over 250 lbs. Or it has been ten years since your last knee bend, brace yourself by holding on to the soap dish. Remember safety first.


Congratulations, you now have a clean backside.

Escort Ad Doublespeak

Frequently, an escort uses codewords to mask their perceived inadequacies and transform them into an asset. Often we are asked, what does this mean or is there a glossary, in reference to these terms, abbreviations, and acronyms.
To reduce the confusion for novice readers, we present, the pessimist's guide to decoding escort ads:

BBW = fat
Voluptuous = fat
Curvy = fat
Curvaceous = fat
Thick = fat
Rubenesque = fat
Womanly = fat
Gives bra size only? = fat
Busty = either saggy or fat
Naturally busty = saggy and fat
Real woman = saggy, fat and ugly

Slim = no boobs
Svelte = no boobs
Slender = no boobs
Dancer's body = no boobs

Bombshell = fake boobs
Baywatch = fake boobs
Playboy = fake boobs
Model = fake boobs

Brazilian = black
Caramel = black
Chocolate = black
Cuban = black
Ebony = black
Egyptian = black
Ethiopian = black
Exotic = black
Hawaiian = black
Mocha = black
Mulatto = black
Nubian = black
Mixed = black

Mature = old
Courtesan = old
Gracious = old
Refined = old
Elegant = old
Classic = old

Age = generally add a few years, here are some frequent exceptions:
College Student = late 20's
Just turned 18 = mid 20's
19 = possible jailbait
21 = late 20's
28 = late 30's

Intelligent = brunette
Sorority Girl = blonde
Selective = overpriced
Exclusive = very overpriced
Classy = can't afford lingerie
Freaky = doesn't shower between clients
Upscale = snooty personality
All American = trailer trash
Princess = I have an attitude problem
Las Vegas = Bellagio prices, Motel 6 service
coed = plain looking with acne problem
girl next door = looks like the boy next door
Goddess = If you believe this is me in the pictures...
Real Doll = Bubba brings you an inflatable doll, no refunds
Energetic = methamphetamine addict
Down to earth = boring
College graduate = sleeps with professors
open minded = openly accepts tips

New to business = changed name
New to area = changed name and moved across bay

Up to an hour = 1 shot and she's gone.
Discreet = I check your ID
Discrete = I can't spell
Advance notice required = you'll never get a hold of me
Seeks generous gentleman = ROB for the elderly
Seeks generous businessmen = ROB for out-of-towners
Once in a lifetime experience = you won't repeat
I love what I do = I'm desperate for clients.
Satisfaction guaranteed = I guarantee I'm getting your money
Available 24/7 = my pimp never sleeps

What an ad DOESN'T say, is also a source of information:
Unless specified, you can assume:
hair color = brown
hair length = to shoulder
eye color = brown
age = mature
height = short
weight = heavy
cup size = small
measurements = large

See also common review terms and acronyms at:
http://forum.myredbook.com/dcforum2/DCForumID15/2.html

My chat didn't go as planned. Any advice?

>> HornyGuy has joined room #bangkokchat
ThaiGirl> Hello ka
HornyGuy> Hi
ThaiGirl> i from Thailand
HornyGuy> I know that, stupid
ThaiGirl> sorry honey
ThaiGirl> u want talk with me?
HornyGuy> Why should I?
ThaiGirl> forget it mai pen rai
HornyGuy> Hey wait a minute
ThaiGirl> what?
HornyGuy> Sorry I'm just a bit paranoid.
ThaiGirl> ???
HornyGuy> I 'think too much'
ThaiGirl> why honey?
HornyGuy> I'm hiding from the cops
HornyGuy> The boys in brown
ThaiGirl> LOL
HornyGuy> Don't fucking laugh at me
HornyGuy> It's no joke
ThaiGirl> what u do?
HornyGuy> You don't want to know
ThaiGirl> i do
ThaiGirl> pleeeeeease honey na na na
HornyGuy> I fucked an elephant
HornyGuy> Hello?
ThaiGirl> u crazy guy baa
HornyGuy> Send me your photo
ThaiGirl> why?
HornyGuy> So I know you aren't a cop
ThaiGirl> i no cop
HornyGuy> Then send me your photo
HornyGuy> Hello?
ThaiGirl> i no want send u i no beautiful
HornyGuy> Most cops aren't
ThaiGirl> I NO COP!!!
HornyGuy> Then send me your photo
HornyGuy> Hurry up
ThaiGirl> i no want send
HornyGuy> Fuck you, cop
ThaiGirl> I NO COP U CRAZY GUY!!!
HornyGuy> Then send it
ThaiGirl> ok what u email?
HornyGuy> Just send it here
ThaiGirl> ok *PIC*
Thaigirl> u get?
HornyGuy> Just a second
Thaigirl> my friend take it last year
ThaiGirl> i lose my kilo now
HornyGuy> I hope so
ThaiGirl> ?!?!?!
ThaiGirl> why u speak bad?
HornyGuy> Did I hurt your feelings?
ThaiGirl> yes
ThaiGirl> i no lose kilo too much
HornyGuy> Will you feel better if you see mine?
ThaiGirl> yes
HornyGuy> Hang on
HornyGuy> Here it is *PIC*
ThaiGirl> this no u!!!
HornyGuy> Yes it is
ThaiGirl> profile pic no same same
HornyGuy> The profile photo is a fake
HornyGuy> I use it to fool the cops
ThaiGirl> u baby face guy
HornyGuy> You're so fat you need an aerial photo
ThaiGirl> go fuck yourself
HornyGuy> I was going to until I saw your photo
HornyGuy> I'll never get a hard-on again
ThaiGirl> why u speak bad too much?
ThaiGirl> i no should send photo before
ThaiGirl> why u hurt me?
HornyGuy> So you think baby-face doesn't hurt me?
ThaiGirl> i think u lie
HornyGuy> I think you have your own ZIP code
ThaiGirl> u bad guy jai rai
ThaiGirl> people joking me all my life
HornyGuy> Ok, I'm sorry
ThaiGirl> u no sorry
HornyGuy> You're right, I'm not
HornyGuy> HAARRRRR!
ThaiGirl> u boring now
HornyGuy> Aww, I'm sorry
ThaiGirl> i put u on ignore
HornyGuy> Wait a second
HornyGuy> We got off on the wrong foot
HornyGuy> Wanna start over?
ThaiGirl> no
HornyGuy> I'll eat your pussy
ThaiGirl> ???
HornyGuy> You heard me
HornyGuy> I said I'd eat your pussy
ThaiGirl> but u little brother no hard
HornyGuy> Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
ThaiGirl> i want u horny
HornyGuy> Well I'm not like most guys
HornyGuy> I get turned-on in other ways
ThaiGirl> ???
HornyGuy> Do you really want to know?
HornyGuy> You have to tell me yes or no
ThaiGirl> i no sure
HornyGuy> Why?
ThaiGirl> because
HornyGuy> Because why?
ThaiGirl> u boom boom elephant
ThaiGirl> u say i fat
ThaiGirl> now u want eat my pussy
ThaiGirl> u strange na?
HornyGuy> No
ThaiGirl> i think u strange guy
HornyGuy> Fine
HornyGuy> I won't do it then
ThaiGirl> i no say that
HornyGuy> So is that a yes?
ThaiGirl> i think so
HornyGuy> Ok
HornyGuy> I need your help getting excited though
HornyGuy> Are you willing?
ThaiGirl> what u want me do?
HornyGuy> I need you to talk like a pirate
ThaiGirl> ???
HornyGuy> That's a 'jon sala' to you
HornyGuy> When I start to go limp... you say HARRRR!!!
HornyGuy> Ok?
HornyGuy> Hello?
ThaiGirl> u no serious!
HornyGuy> Oh yes I am
HornyGuy> It's my fantasy
ThaiGirl> u crazy guy jing jing!!!
HornyGuy> Do you want it or not?
ThaiGirl> i want
HornyGuy> Then you'll do it for me?
ThaiGirl> ka
HornyGuy> Ok here we go
HornyGuy> I gently remove your panties
HornyGuy> and I begin to massage your thighs
HornyGuy> You're getting really juicy thinking about
HornyGuy> my tounge brushing up against them
HornyGuy> I softly begin to touch your wet pussy
HornyGuy> I run my tounge down your smooth slit
ThaiGirl> mmmm yeah
HornyGuy> Uh oh... going limp
ThaiGirl> Har
HornyGuy> You have to do better than that
HornyGuy> Your photo was really bad
ThaiGirl> HARRRRRRRRRRRR
HornyGuy> Ahh much better
HornyGuy> Your pussy moistens with every stroke
HornyGuy> I softly suck on your clit
HornyGuy> bringing it in and out of my mouth
HornyGuy> Your juices run down my chin
HornyGuy> Your scent fills my nose
HornyGuy> I feel empowered by your femininity
ThaiGirl> mmmmmm u good
HornyGuy> I feel your thighs tighten as I suck
HornyGuy> Going limp
ThaiGirl> HARRRRRRR
HornyGuy> Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks
HornyGuy> You begin to sway back and forth
HornyGuy> Going limp
ThaiGirl> this stupid
HornyGuy> ...still limp
HornyGuy> Do it!
ThaiGirl> HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
HornyGuy> I turn you around to lick your arsehole
HornyGuy> and pry apart your massive butt-cheeks
HornyGuy> I see the hair around your arsehole
HornyGuy> covered in shit-nuggets
ThaiGirl> WTF?!?!?!
HornyGuy> They stink really bad
ThaiGirl> OMG STOP!!!
HornyGuy> I get fed up with your ugly fat butt
HornyGuy> I tear off your wooden peg-leg
HornyGuy> and ram it up your arse!
ThaiGirl> U FUCKING PYSCHO!!!
HornyGuy> Then I pour hot caramel over your head
HornyGuy> and turn you into a fucking toffee-apple
HornyGuy> You like it, you little Thai pirate slut!
ThaiGirl> FUCK U ASSHOLE!!!
HornyGuy> I kick you in the face
HornyGuy> Your parrot flys away
HornyGuy> ...going limp again
HornyGuy> Hello?
HornyGuy> Say it!
>> ThaiGirl has left room #bangkokchat
HornyGuy> HAARRRRRR!!!!!